One Tall (Timber) Medical Story

I now have a new line to use on my doctor when I go in for a check up and - thankfully, usually – get a clean bill of health.

“But doc, are you sure there's no pine trees growing inside my anywhere?”

This story from Russia has stirred a fair amount of water cooler debate as to it's veracity. I called bullshit, for no other reason that its...

a. Russia
b. The Internet!

But like many internet stories, the real fun only begins with the actual story, the best comes from the comment section. Here's a few I pulled out...

On the “Hey, You Never Know” side of things...


Surprisingly enough there is enough light shining through a human body to promote growth of a plant. You can shine a torch light through your hand and see the light glowing through. This is thicker than the skin and flesh around your chest.

On the “This Guy Sounds Like He Knows His Stuff” side...

The only reason objects show up on an xray is if it has sufficient density. Wood is not dense enough to show up that bright on an xray unless it has calcified, the post excision photo clearly show that is hasn't. The xray is also of a child not a 28 year old. As you can clearly see the growth plate of the shoulder has not yet fused. This fuses on a normal person at about 16 years of age. My guess is its a fake.

Then from the “Cheap Yuks” department...

Oh sure there was a tree growing in his lungs and in that tree they also found a birds nest, a lost kite and the head of an axe which got broken off it's handle when the the little people, who live in his stomach tried to cut it down. They were ever so hungry and needed the wood to built a fire so they could cook up chunks of his liver.

Or...

Was the doctor who operated a tree surgeon? Did he decide to go out on a limb and branch out? He longed to go back to being a proper surgeon: so he was no doubt pining.

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Speaking of trees, I need to correct myself. On a recent Czabecast, I said that you “can't just uproot a 150 year old oak tree and plop it in your backyard.”

Um, wrong, ding-dong.

Here's two pieces of evidence...

The first comes from Augusta National, where money is no object, and they CAN move massive trees in the dead of night without anybody noticing!

Go to the Masters Interactive page here, and click on the "Masters Today: Monday Edition" . At the 2:18 mark of Jim Huber's feature, you'll see where Augusta REPLACED a massive oak tree that had died, with one that Huber claims is "virtually identical" to the old one!

Then there was this little picture sent to me, which needs no further comment.



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Steve,

Look at this photo from your pod cast and tell me who is trying to intimidate who? I do not recall the entire scene of the handshake but notice that both Tiger and Phil didn't remove their caps.

Tedd Mentink

COMMENT: I think both Tiger AND Phil were a little bit too gung ho on this, considering both guys should have known there were playing an exhibition, and had no realistic chance at winning. Also, it is only customary (to my knowledge) to remove your cap while shaking hands AFTER a round. In fact, even when I play goofball rounds with the boys, I ALWAYS remove my cap and sunglasses and make sure to shake hands with the group right after the pin is stuck back in the 18th hole. I know, it seems corny. Especially when I'm sometimes as drunk as a Kennedy and holding a 92 on my card. But I like golf etiquette and traditions, and I think since one doesn't cost anything, why not “full honors” when you have the chance?

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Corey Gallagher writes..

After seeing three of their friends get taken out simultaneously by Navy Seals, all 20 year old Somali men inadvertently made their first ever Seinfeld reference...

"But I don't wanna be a pirate!!"

(Also a phrase used by every Pittsburgh Pirate draftee since 1995.)

Love the show,
Corey

COMMENT: Nicely, played, sir! I think its time for me to dust off the ol' Blu-Ray of “Black Hawk Down”, wait until the missus is gone some evening, and sit back and crank that bitch up. It still galls me to this day, that we didn't loop back into Mogadishu and flatten about 12 square blocks, but that's an argument for another day. Still, that movie is one of the most intense, militarily harrowing, visually awesome movies of all time. Like any 10 year old boy trapped in the body of a 40 year old man, watching and hearing those Blackhawks and the badass MH-6 Little Bird come flying into the city while hugging the coastline, is just spine tingling.



LAST ADD: Of all the cheesy, poorly executed knockoff “Successories” posters I've had forwarded to me over the years, this one is worth a click and save.


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Isaiah and Florida International: A Match Made in Hell

Isaiah Thomas is back in business.

Florida International has deemed him the “best man for the job” for their basketball program.

Which would be sort of like making Kelvin Sampson your NCAA compliance officer.

If you don’t know Florida International, it’s a school best known for a bench clearing melee against Miami in football a few years ago.

Here, enjoy the YouTube if you somehow missed this epic bit of joint thuggery…..



I also submit for your enjoyment, the courageous involvement of one A’Mod Ned of FIU. Although he was clearly injured and not available to play that night, he WAS available to crack some skulls! Probably with his crutches!



It’s the sort of bravery that makes, a legend grow over time, you know.



Not unlike the legend of Zeke The Franchise Destroyer!

So let’s review.

Isaiah Thomas was a fantastic college and NBA player. National Championship under Knight at Indiana. Two NBA rings. One of the 50 Greatest players of all time.

Then he retired and all hell broke loose. In fact, pretty much everywhere Zeke went, the building caught on fire, and he managed to run out the back door before the engines arrived to douse the rubble.

He started in Toronto as a part-owner and EVP of the expansion team. That lasted 4 years, when he was forced out. Believe who you want on that one. Not like the Raptors are the Patriots of the NBA, but then again, Isaiah was involved.

Then he took the CBA down in stunning fashion. He bought it for $5 million, then refused an offer for $11 million from the NBA to make it the “official” minor league of the NBA. Well done. Conspiracy theorists say Isaiah was merely a tool of David Stern to clear the decks for the NBA’s own D-League.

Neither plain incompetence or Stern’s long evil hand on that would surprise me. I call it a push.

He did alright with the Pacers as coach, but took the team nowhere far in the post-season. The Pacers glory years came later under Rick Carlisle.

Then, there was the Knicks.

Good …. Gawd!

The bad moves came in flurries. Fired coaches, bloated contracts, malcontent players. Overpay Larry Brown. Clash with Larry Brown. Fire Larry Brown. Dispute his payout. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

Then Isaiah said “move over, let me try coaching.”

That didn’t work out so well either.

Meanwhile, he was sexually harassing employees, and turning a blind eye to other player shenanigans with the Knicks City Dancers. He also reportedly said he “didn’t care about those fucking white people.”

He meant, season ticket holders. Nice.

Instead of settling the embarrassing lawsuit out of court, Isaiah fought it defiantly in court.

And got his ass handed to him.

Finally, when it was all said and done, Isiaha had one last dirt bag moment when he overdosed on something, passed out at home, then lied to the press about what had gone down, concocted a story, and tried to throw the police under the bus.

And I didn’t even bring up the brief stint as NBA analyst on NBC. Wasn’t very good at that either. But I didn’t want to pile on.

Good luck, FIU! You might want to dial 9-1- and just have your finger over the last “1” on the phone.

It’s Not My Fault, He Keeps Writing Absolutely Stupid Things

Peter King is at again. Here’s a lil’ unintentionally comedic blunder in his “Things I Think I Think” portion of his NFL blog.

f. I'm pretty much on board with everything about The Office, with a couple of exceptions: A season or so ago, Ryan was about to be profiled in the Wall Street Journal. Now he's a shiftless, no-account bum. How'd that happen?

REACT: Yeah, Pete. You are sooooo on TOP of it! A quick google-to-wiki double play would have unwrapped this probing plot mystery.

Ryan Howard, who started out as a temporary worker in the Scranton office, was later promoted to Dunder Mifflin's Vice President for Regional Sales, which would make him Michael's boss, until his treachery is exposed for corporate fraud and he's fired, ending up again as the temporary worker at the Scranton branch.

There. Problem solved.

Douchebag.

Now some of you will insist this kind of thing has no relevance to his football acumen. I say PISH POSH, it’s completely relevant!

If Peter King can’t follow some basic story arc’s of a sitcom with perhaps 12 main characters, then how can he possibly make sense of a professional sports league with 32 teams and 1500 plus players?

No really. Answer that fucking question.

All of you Peter King fans, answer it. The man has no clue. He swerves wildly into one guess after another, and his wrong-ness is off the charts.

Worse case scenario, why not google it first, just to make sure? Or how about have an intern at SI.com loosely fact-check your shit so guys like me don’t tear it to shreds.

And I swear I would stop doing this reports, if only King would stop stepping face first into the rake like one of the Three Stooges.

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In other King news, he swears Plaxico Burress is going to jail for a year, and will NOT play football no matter what in 2009. I say “LOCK IT UP”, Plax gets probation and serves just a 4 game suspension and is on somebody’s roster by Halloween. It makes no sense, but Pete has such a knack for being “The Cooler” on stories like this, you would be insane not to go 180 degrees the other way.

Finally, I love when one weepy liberal (King) gets all outraged over good ol’ fashion liberal (NY Times) on liberal (Boston Globe) crime.

l. You cannot be serious about shuttering the Boston Globe, you New York Times people. That's unjust and ridiculous and will be a black mark against anything you do journalistically in the long-term. How do you walk into the flagship journalistic institution in a six-state region and say, "Unless everyone in the building takes a monstrous pay cut, and a few of you walk away from your jobs forever, we're closing the place?'' What kind of management style is that?


REACT: I think it’s true what my friend once said of liberals: “They think companies only exist to provide health insurance and child care services.” Sorry Pete. But the NY Times IS serious. You didn’t think they would hurt their OWN paper first, did you? Besides, I’ll see your “black mark against journalism” and raise you one “Jayson Blair.”

Might want to google that one too, Pete.