Somebody Stop Him, Before He Says Something Even Dumber

Peter King is like a sportswriting equivalent of the movie "Best In Show." His columns read like a complete spoof on the genre. I'm coming around to the alternate theory that this is nothing more than a continuing bit of journalistic performance art. One in which he tries to prove that no matter how many absurdly wrongheaded notions he espouses, he is somehow still taken seriously.

I wonder why more NFL coaches don't simply say: "Hello. Who? Peter King? You are an idiot. Please lose my cell phone number."

Here's what he wrote after the combine:

I was encouraged to see a guy I like a lot, Stanford’s big back, Toby Gerhart, run a 4.53, a little better than people thought he would. Anyone who watched Gerhart play last season and who would think he can’t play in this league and play at a high level just doesn’t know football.

No, you don't know football. And you continue to demonstrate this every time you open that laptop.

I wonder when, or even if, King will realize that the NFL has perhaps the greatest relevance gap between the college version of its game, and the pro version. I wonder when, or even if, King will recall any number of excellent - nay, dominant - college players who couldn't do much more than fill their pants up with farts on Sundays. I wonder when, or even if, King will fess up to his own laughably incorrect assessments about players at the NFL level. (See: "Danny Wuerrful will throw for 3,000+ yards with Spurrier's Redskins.")

And the whole "... just doesn't know football" line is a high school level rhetorical device meant to say - without the crassness of actually saying it - ".... but I DO know football. I am smart!"

The pro prospects of Toby Gerhart are just as muddy as any college draftee. There are a multitude of reasons for this. Among the obvious: scheme he'll be playing in, quality of surrounding players, injuries, mental capacity, professional discipline, coaching staff, and on and on and on.

In my opinion, the biggest reason nobody knows is more basic, more primal.

Toby Gerhart is going to get his ass kicked. Hard.

How do I know this? I have talked to many ex-Redskins (now in the radio and TV biz) who described for me their first year experiences in training camp. Almost to a man, they said the speed, size, and intensity of the pro game was something no amount of warning could adequately prepare them for.

Plus, god forbid Gerhart is a high pick, or gets a fat contract. Then, the guys will really want to fuck him up. Starting with the very first chance they get in a full-pads two-a-day.

What Toby Gerhart does on Day 2 of his pro career, and for every blessed day after that he lasts in this meat grinder of a league, is predicated on how he handles an uncomfortable new reality, one not experienced since he was a little boy. He is no longer the biggest kid on the sandlot.

Deal with it.

Some do better than others, obviously. But nobody knows, not even Peter King, until a newly minted millionaire football player wakes up in camp with a battered body and serious doubts about how to play the game, and decides he either wants to figure it out, or just go through the motions.

Every Redskin fan remembers the case of Desmond Howard. Joe Gibbs actually said on draft day: "We couldn't find anything we didn't like about him." Now this wasn't just Gibbs riffing. This was indeed the consensus of the Redskins scouting braintrust, which for the record, long pre-dated Snyder, Cerrato and that whole clown circus.

Furthermore, when the Skins TRADED UP to get Howard at #4 overall, it's not like the entire football world gasped and said: "Have Gibbs and Casserly gone MAD! What a risky reach the Redskins have made here."

Howard was an electrifying receiver and return man at Michigan, and would have certainly not lasted until the 2nd round. So Howard was, a consensus blue chip pro prospect. This wasn't even a debate at the time.

And yet, one thing that Howard actually couldn't do very well in the NFL, was get off the line of scrimmage against press coverage.

Ooops.

Now why didn't anybody know this was going to be an issue? Perhaps because the "3-Cone Drill" at the combine doesn't simulate NFL press coverage very well with a big, physical DB who can push you off balance AND run up the field with you, stride for stride. Perhaps while the combine was meticulously measuring the 40 yard dash times of a dozen or so top cornerbacks from around the country, they were NOT measuring the utterly crappy 40 yard dash times of the Big Ten stiffs that Howard was beating on rain soaked natural grass fields cut to 2 inches high every week.

("Hey, boss, come look at this. I think I've figured it out. Purdue's corners only run a 4.6 forty, and look: they're playing Howard 10 yards off the line of scrimmage. Might be an issue at our level. Just sayin'.")

(NOTE: My colleague Andy says D.C. Richie Pettibone coached in the Senior Bowl that year, and told the Skins brass that "we shut him down with just a safety." Warning, ignored.)

Maybe the scouting staff for the Redskins just looked at all the pretty highlights and said to themselves quietly in a whiny little Homer Simpson voice of envy: "Awwww... I'd love for him to do that for our team next year.... ohhhhh."

And maybe they were scared that if they passed on Howard, and he started doing all that cool touchdown making shit with another team further down in the draft, fans, media and other GMs would look at them and say: "You idiots! How could you pass on Desmond Howard!? Didn't you see him play in college!"

Which is exactly where we left King, sitting on the curb, waiting for the football short bus to come pick him up and drive to the nearest Starbucks. God, what a fucking dummy. It just never ends.

The Ice Cougar Fails

So let's get this out of the way off the bat: what I know about the sport of curling, couldn't fill the jockstrap of figure skater Johnny Weir.

Like that's gonna stop me from calling Cheryl Bernard a choking dog. Not!

You probably have seen the MILF-Celebre of curling for team Canada. If you ask me, she's mostly dazzling folks with the fact that her cans are at least 3 letter sizes larger than necessary for sliding a stupid doorstop down a sheet of ice.

But hey, whatever. Goes to show you how easily people can get duped into thinking a chick is hot when you surround her with a bunch of frumpy Swedes who haven't seen the outside of a barn in 9 months.

So I'm watching the curling gold medal match(?) and it comes down to skip Bernard with one shot to win the gold. After a ratio of standing around to action of nearly 25:1, she finally gets those golden globes down low to the ice and lets it fly.

Gack!

"Pretty routine double," Bernard said afterward. "Rubbed it, missed it by a millimetre. Couldn't ask for an easier shot."

The loss, seemingly snatched from the jaws of victory, was a hard pill to swallow.

O'Connor, who might have had the best tournament of any member of her team, outplaying her opposing thirds time and time again, also spoke with reporters with tears in her eyes.

But she maintained there's no one else she would have wanted to have the stone in her hand.

"Cheryl is the reason that we're sitting up here now, is the reason that we're at the Olympics," she said. "There is nobody in the world that I would rather have throwing last rock."

Like Bernard, O'Connor said the silver medal hardly feels like a prize right now — but she did her best to look at the glass as half-full.

"It's a pretty huge accomplishment and there's a million people and curlers in Canada that would kill to be in our spot right now," she said.

If "that spot" means in the team room consoling Cheryl with a bottle of Crown Royale and sedatives, then huzzah huzzah you can count me in! Better luck next time, ice cougars!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Case Study: Redskins Dysfunction

Got this email from a real person. Checked it out. It's legit. As the kids, would say: OMG.

Czabe,

A friend of mine is attending the Georgetown MBA program. One the classes this semester is Sports Management which is taught by Charlie Casserly. I thought you might find it interesting that he was essentially able to base one of the major projects of the class on the Redskins poor management practices - see below.

I'm a big fan and long time listener of the Sports Reports.

Cheers,
Mike from DC

Group Project

1. When the Redskins hired head coach Jim Zorn they hired almost his complete coaching staff first and then hired him, allowing him to hire only 3 coaches on a staff of over 15.

2. Early in the season Redskins management hired a Consultant to help with the offense against head coach Jim Zorn's wishes.

3. A couple of weeks later the Redskins promoted the Consultant to play caller against Zorn's wishes. The Redskins offense was struggling at the time of both of these moves.

4. Two players, Clinton Portis and Albert Haynesworth, both had a direct line to the Owner and EVP Vinny Cerrato. Thus, they could bypass the Head Coach with their complaints.

5. During the season on his Friday radio show Vinny Cerrato gave a "vote of confidence" to Jim Zorn saying he will finish the season. He neglected to tell Jim Zorn this and the media informed Zorn of this when he met with media later that day.

6. Vinny Cerrato admonished Jim Zorn over a play calling decision in front of the team after a game against the Philadelphia Eagles.

7. With Jim Zorn and Vinny Cerrato still in their positions with the Redskins, Redskins management interviewed people for their jobs. These were minority candidates, thus fulfilling the NFL’s Rooney Rule, which states minority candidates must be interviewed for certain positions before a hire is made. The NFL ruled the Redskins were in compliance with the rule.

8. Redskins management banned fans from displaying signs in the stadium, but later
changed the policy. The ban was put in place after derogatory signs about Redskins
management and ownership were visible in the stadium.

9. Albert Haynesworth complained to the coaches about having to come in too early on Christmas Day for meetings. The meetings were scheduled for 10:00 AM. He privately told players he was purposely going to come in late for the 10:00 AM meeting. The coaches found out about it. When he showed up late on Christmas Day he was sent home. Later on that day he ripped his Defensive Coordinator, saying he was not being used properly. He went on to start the next game against the Dallas Cowboys.

10. Vinny Cerrato stated publicly that the Redskins had a "playoff" roster to the press during the season. However, the Redskins had not addressed what their coaches had said was their number one priority in the off-season: the need to improve the offensive line. The offensive line was in disarray for much of the year.

Please address each point above by doing the following:

Philosophically from a management point of view (not a football perspective) explain why you believe the Redskins action was correct or incorrect and relate it to how it would parallel to a situation in the business world. If you disagree with the Redskin action, explain why and say what you would do in the business world.

REACT: Well, this surely makes for a good biz school exercise. But the real life follies of the Redskins are over, aren't they? Aren't they? Um.....