Dead Grass Tells The Tale

I have often said that no sport - not even soccer - contains less traditional "sports radio" fodder than tennis.

This does not mean tennis sucks, or cannot be discussed by avid tennis fans.

No, it just means that the traditional serve and volley of a sports radio show, does not in any way lend itself to discussing tennis.

Last year at tennis' holiest venue, it's two highest profile stars, Federer and Nadal, staged why my tennis geek co-workers called the "match for the ages."

And yet, you couldn't fill half a phone bank as a sports radio host if you tried to talk about it.

Because, honestly, what are you going to say? What strategic decision will you, Joe Fan, second guess between the two players? What style of play, at what point in the match, proved to be the crucial turning point?

What rally, or what shot will you call up breathlessly to remind the radio talk show host: "And remember that long rally, at 40-all in the 2nd set, tied at 3-3? Remember the forehand winner Nadal hit! Amazing! Best shot I ever saw."

Host: "Yeah, well Nadal lost that set. So what's your point?"

Even golf, a sport with a NICHE following itself (please notice how I belittle my own beloved game) is capable of generating sports radio interest amongst casual fans. And it need not necessarily be Tiger Woods related.

Like this year at Augusta, when Phil Mickelson went for broke by lashing a 6-iron through the trees, off the pine-straw, to 8 feet for an easy birdie, it WAS INDEED the turning point of the round, and propelled lefty to Green Blazer Numero Trois!

You can even visualize that shot, with the resulting left handed Phil Phist Pump, if you close your eyes.

You can't visualize a Federer-Nadal rally to stave off set point - they all look to similar. The court never changes, and a laced down-the-line winner looks like... well.. a laced down-the-line winner on pretty much any day of the week.

Please take note, dear fuzzheads, I say all this not to diminish the incredible athletic skill, genius, and mental fortitude of your sports' best and brightest. It just doesn't lend to much common radio yak the next day.

That said, there ARE some - shall I say "global" - tennis issues that could fuel an interesting segment or two. This post I found would certainly be one.

The post discusses how the power-game in tennis has affected the visual and strategic nature of the sport at its highest level. And it does so, using the most low-tech of analytical devices: dead grass.

As a kid, who was wowed by Roscoe Tanner's amazing serve, I nonetheless lamented that this big-cannoned one-trick pony was really no match on most days for artisans like Borg and McEnroe.

Because the game they played - and the game of most players of note back in the tiny-headed, wood-framed days - was one of angles and deftness. You saw more slicing, spinning volleys, half-volleys, and yes, drop shots back then.

Was that game "better" than today's powerfest? I have no idea. I don't bother to make a claim either way.

At this point, I would typically open the phone lines for calls, and see what turns up. You guys can pretend the message section below is your chance to pick up the "phone" and chime in.

Submitted For Your Approval

The wonder of golf, and the vagaries of rank weekend amateurs like you and me playing the game in futility, does produce some sights and moments that are almost too much to believe.

So if I may, this photo shall serve as "proof" that the following happened. I swear to Lebron, this happened. I mean, swear to god, god. Sorry. I keep doing that....

My boy Mike McGowan (who is often quoted in this space my "Conscience of Cowboy Nation") was playing with me today in the lovely 94 degree July heat at my fabulous home course, Westfields GC in Clifton, Virginia.

On the lengthy and difficult par-4 6th hole, he flew his iron approach long and over the green into a mulched bed near some small trees. As I was looking down at the scorecard awaiting his shot, I heard a "whoosh-climp" and then..... silence.

"Where did that go," Mike asked? Sheepishly, I had to apologize for not looking, but for chrissakes, it was a 20 yard pitch shot out of mulch near three measly saplings!

Well, low and behold, there it was. Like the Twilight Zone episode where the guy lands a quarter on edge. Of course, Mike couldn't suddenly read minds after this (or he just politely ignored me thinking: man, he really does suck!) but he had a good laugh along with the rest of our group.

Did he play it from here? No. He did not. Mike knows, when enough is enough. Personally, I would have played that bitch from that tree. There's no lie in golf too hard to withstand choking down, swinging hard, and closing your eyes!

"Unacceptably Stupid"

Before we know it, the World Cup will be packed up and bubble wrapped for another four years, and I don't want to miss the chance for one last swift corner kick to the sport's unprotected gonads.

Especially not before other summertime events overtake people's give-a-shit-sports-meter. Things like: how Lebron is going to afford penthouses for his whole crew in NYC. Or what does Elin buy FIRST with her 9-figure go-away-and-die money from Tiger.

When I last left commenting on soccer in this space, the United States had merely been robbed of a spectacular game winning goal by a referee who - to this day - only explained his call by shrugging his shoulders and giving a look like the guy who is out of jetski rentals on a Jamaican beach.

If that wasn't stupid enough, more dumb shit went down since then, that further buttressed my contention that this sport just can't survive American style professional fandom.

And we'll even leave OUT, the gutless squids known as the French national team. Stay on strike, Pierre. It's what you guys do best.

Now, where was I?

Ah yes, stupid.

It is patently stupid to have an elimination game, go into 30 minutes of "over-time" and yet, NOT make that OT sudden death. Ridiculous. Ghana's goal, while exciting for a brief moment, came so early in extra time, that what should have been a jubilant moment for all time in that nation, instead got the ol' wet blanket of "hey, wait, still almost half a game left here, fellas!"

It is also patently stupid to have a single referee attempt to administer to a field that large, and with 22 guys running around, and have him be the only guy to rule on goal-line scoring plays. One guy, can't do this job. Period. And FIFA's bullheadedness on refusing to use instant replay in any capacity for World Cup games, remains just one notch below the BCS on the global sports stupid index.

It is stupid, how players act to fake injury. It's insulting on every level. The Ghana guy who lay on the ground against us for like a minute, and stopped play. Only then to get carried off on a stretcher, and then POP! "I'm fine!" Haha! Soccer commentators say sternly, they have to "clean this up." Well, I've been hearing that forever. It's not going to be cleaned up. Not when you have (see above) 1 dude running the whole game from endline to endline! I hope that guy's village in Ghana gets overtaken by a severe strain of bovine herpes powerful enough to make fruit break out in open sores. You dick.

Finally, it is stupid to make huge pronouncements and judgements on results in a single tournament that - most of the time - hinges on nothing but pure luck. The Brits are in a snit, because of the 2nd half pounding by Germany. But they also got hosed on a horrible call, and against the Yanks their goalie went all Bill Buckner on them and cost the team a win.

Yet I've been reading about British soccer bellyaching, and it's completely absurd. Forget about the no-goal vs. Germany. Go back to the US game, and make that a win. Then England is top-dog in the group, they get the easier draw, and if they beat Ghana 1-nil, then lose to The Netherlands 1-nil, every Nigel in the UK can say: "Eh, chap. Good effort by the Three Lions, all-in-all, eh?"

Meanwhile, I was amused to read about how our coach, ol' Coach Bradley, was in limbo because a) Had they not made it out of group play, he surely would have been fired. Yet, b) because they actually won their group, it made the decision harder. And because they only lost to Ghana 2-1 in OT, you can't really make an easy call.

Or something like that.

Stupid. Just stupid. Fact of the matter, is Bradley is 1 goal either way of being either Rodney Dangerfield in "Ladybugs" or... um... or... the Greatest Coach In World Cup History! (Whomever that is. Help me here, people.)

All of it, is just unacceptably stupid to American sports fans. We wouldn't stand for any of this, and we don't. We change rules, we add refs, we bolt cameras in places they need to be bolted so we can make sure a championship isn't handed out on a ref's whoopsie.

And our coaches, hell, even incompetent boobs like Jim Zorn get 32 full games to prove they suck. Prove it! And he wasn't one-touchdown either way of looking awesome or stupid. He proved it.

But in the end, I have no problem with this event every 4 years. It remains a colorful, multi-national trainwreck that kind of wins you over as a casual fan.

But like the fat chick slumpbuster you brought home in college. When it's over, you just say: "Now, get out."