Snicky: Nicole Zaloumis

If you don't know her already, get with it people.

The NFL's TV morning show is... eh... I suppose. A few too many taking heads, and none of them particularly compelling, but I appreciate that they are out there trying to offer us something - anything - other than the usual Bristol-fed predictable television gruel.

The front-woman, Ms. Zaloumis, appears a bit too "serious" on the show for my likes. But I understand what she fights in the business as a tendency by viewers to "ditz-i-fy" any good looking woman on a sports show.

So it was nice to see her do some "Dancing With the Guests" this week... and BAM! Are you kidding me? Nicole just isn't skinny, she's a wonderfully muscular hardbody!

You go, girl. Well... done.

"Don't Be No Cloud on a Sunny Day, Mon!"

Hilarious.

And course, for the professionally offended: "horrific."

“It’s pretty horrific,” says Ricki Fairley-Brown, president of the multicultural marketing agency Dove Marketing. “Why do they have a white guy from Minnesota faking a Jamaican accent?” 

Even more troubled by the spot is Rochelle Newman-Carrasco, chief hispanic marketing strategist at Walton Isaacson, an African-American, Gay/Lesbian and Hispanic agency. “What happens in this ad is that the culture becomes a punch line, and that is offensive.” 

Pop cultural guru Barbara Lippert is not amused, either. “It made me uncomfortable to see all of those white people in an office setting doing this,” she says. “I found it offensive.”

They are still booing black soccer players in Europe, for God's sake! And here, we're worried about... this. And the "Rooney Rule."

If this is the state of legitimate conversation in America - the MOST open, free, multi-cultural, multi-racial, multi-religious, and progressive minded country in the world - then we are doomed.

Doomed.

Prepare For Humiliation

This, is the essence of sports. Period. Read the full edict here. I present the abridged version below.

As you can see from the calendar, the game is coming up this weekend. I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as our cities are rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the sports team from my area defeats the sports team from your area.

When the sporting contest begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my team to accumulate more points than yours. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing your area. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the team from your area lack. The players representing my area, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.

Underscoring your team's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether.

One of the more pathetic aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in your immediate area possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the team from my area inspires loyalty and affection in individuals who live in many other geographic locations.

Do you still doubt that the team from your area is inferior to the one from mine? Just look at our teams' respective histories. In the past, we have defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes.

The day of the game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the team from your area, your team will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.

Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.