The "Thrust Rule" Super Bowl

Everybody who hates the Giants and Patriots, raise your hands.

Everybody who hates the sporting fan bases of New York and Boston, raise your other hand.

Okay, I've got bad news. One of them has to win on Sunday.

I know, I know. It's like being told you are going to have to either chug a gallon of Snooki's underpit juice, or be forced to spoon with a female contestant on the "Biggest Loser."

It ain't gonna be pleasant.

And because it's considered "wrong" and "politically incorrect" to root for "roof collapse" on Sunday during the big game, I have the only possible satisfying outcome to this game.

I'm hoping for the most disgusting, boring, lurching, painful, ugly Super Bowl game you have ever seen. Think of a Scotty Pippen love child with Cynthia Nixon.

I want a 3-3 game through regulation. I want 27 punts, 6 turnovers, and about 11 instant replay reviews that take forever and none of them result in an overturned call.

Then I want the overtime. I want the stupid new format to somehow get screwed up. I want overtime to drone on. I want missed field goals.

I want this game to be so awful, that Americans are cursing both teams come Monday morning.

Then I want the game to end in a way that is totally un-satisfying to both teams, regardless of winner. Hmm, I'm thinking I'd like to see the Patriots win 5-3 on a controversial safety that goes to a booth review. A play where it looks for sure, like it is NOT a safety, but then referee John Parry comes on the mic and announces that the "Thrust Rule" was applied, and therefore, game over, Patriots win.

What's the "Thrust Rule?" Nobody will know, of course. It'll be some bullshit rule that exists only in the deep fine print bowels of the NFL's full rulebook. A rulebook, which I must note, the league STILL refuses to publish openly on-line at their own site NFL.com.

(Note: you can get this "Official" rulebook on-line, but the links are backdoor links taken from behind media access firewalls. The "public consumption" rulebook on-line, is a mere "summary" of the overly complex full rulebook.)

So the Patriots will "win" but by a lame-o score of 5-3, in an painfully long and boring game, and only because of the "Thrust Rule." This will bookend their other big gift, the "Tuck Rule" game and forever torment Patriot fans who have to take shit from every other NFL fan about the quasi-legitimacy of their championship.

The Giants of course, and their fans, will feel rightfully cheated. And forever wail to the full moon about getting screwed.

It would be the only redemptive outcome of this game, short of that proverbial roof collapse which we are not allowed to root for, for obvious humanitarian reasons.

Sadly, I am doubtful this will happen. The game will likely be pretty good. Because these teams are pretty good. And their organizations are pretty damn smart, and steady. Which is another reason why many of us hate them.

If you are a Giant or Patriot fan, wear our envious hate like a badge of honor.

The Patriots had a defense that was fried shit-on-a-stick this year, and all they did was go 13-3 and make this game. Amazing. If the Pats win, it'll mean a 7th parade in Boston since 2002. SEVEN! Eat crap.

The Giants were LEFT FOR DEAD in Dallas in Week 14. At 6-7, they were down 12 with 5:31 to play. And all they did, was rally to score 2TDs, a 2 PT conversion, and block a potential game tying kick to beat the NFL grim reaper and get up off the operating table

They not only haven't lost since, they've been pretty much dominant. Amazing. And if they win, every mouthy Giant player who had little to do with the team's winning this year (I'm looking at YOU, Brandon Jacobs) will  fan out to all the requisite TV shows for the next month as guests.

Jealous? Of course. But screw ya'll both.

My pick? Like Jimmy Masterlock Dugans. Giants +3. Under 54.

Here's to Texans-Lions in 2013!

Even 200,000 Person Waiting Lists Need Marketing Videos

Poor guy. Looks like he's making a hostage video.

"Hey, it's Mike Shanahan! They told me to hold this football up, and just ignore the AK-47 pointed at me off camera. Come on out, and enjoy some exciting Redskin football this fall! Especially, if we overpay to move up and get RG III, or do the utterly predictable and sign a crippled Peyton Manning. Call below for tickets!"

Sheesh.

It's Up... and It Is.... GOOOOODDD!

Once upon a time when I was a little middle class punk, probably 10 years old, living on the mean streets of McLean, VA, I dreamed of kicking field goals in the NFL for my favorite team, the Washington Redskins.

This is what white kids dream about. At least the kids in my neighborhood.

Of course, I had to take it a step farther. Once I found some unused 10 foot long baseboard strips my dad had saved in the basement next to the washer and dryer. I pulled them suckers out, nailed them to the split rail fence on the side of the house, and then went to town with my red and yellow two-tone nerf football.

Fast forward to age 43, and having been dumb enough to purchase enough property to indulge in fiscally irresponsible projects, I decided to see just how far PVC pipes from Home Depot and my rudimentary understanding of engineering could take me.

Well, here it is.

Not bad. But it's also a very crude 1.0 version. I forgot the streamers on top, and I am too lazy to take it down and fix it. Also, the final-final version will get the requisite neon yellow paint job (anybody know what pantone code # that is?).

I also just sorta jerry-rigged the posts with duct tape and cardboard so that they would fit together snugly. The cement holes are also pretty half-assed, I used just a small tub of anchor rail cement and threw some dirt on top.

I would like to make a "t-style" goalpost once I get this section of the property graded out and re-seeded to accomodate a nearly 80 yard field. I think I can do it with a larger PVC base post (probably 6" in outer diameter) and a crossbar of reinforced 4" O.D. PVC pipe connected in the middle with some sort of "t-connector."

The uprights are a little more tricky.

The 2" PVC pipes I used here, are approximately 23' from ground to tip. Not bad, but a regulation NFL goalpost is a monstrous 40' from ground to tip. Too tall. I'd like to get 30 feet and call it a day.

For that, however, I think I need to order some custom aluminum or light steel poles, preferably 10' each that interlock (so I can break the goalpost down and store it in the summer). These will be more rigid than the PVC pipes.

My concern, is how thick do I need the aluminum/steel poles to be, so that a DOINK off one of the uprights doesn't bend it? Guess I'll just have to use trial and error.

Now, the only thing left, is for me to get a kicking lesson. Frankly, I suck. I am showing you the 2 out of 10 kicks that fly decent. The others, pretty squirrelly. Maybe I can call Graham Gano over at Redskin Park?

How much do you think he charges?

If not him, does anybody have one of the Zendejas brothers numbers?