Gruden Gets JACKED UP! by Frank Caliendo

Gruden: "People are gonna say you are too small to play the QB position. What are you gonna tell them?"
Kid: "That I'm gonna grow."
Gruden: "Grow?"

Classic.

You Want Pathetic? This, Is PATHETIC.

Apparently, JerrahWorld isn't all it's cracked up to be as a "home field" advantage for the Godless Blue Stars of Texas.

According to a New York area newspaper, the Cowboys sent an e-mail to season ticket holders, reminding them that their job once they pay $75 to park their car, is to actually YELL for the home team.

Imagine that.

This week the Cowboys e-mailed season-ticket holders a “Stand Up and Shout” campaign that instructs fans on how to cheer against the Giants. This weekend, there will be a new third down graphic on the video board. 

“When you see the video graphic playing on the video board, get on your feet and get LOUD! Together, we can make opposing teams dread coming to Cowboys Stadium,” the email says, according to the New York Daily News. “If we all play our part, we can help give our Dallas Cowboys a true home-field advantage. 

The last time Dallas played at home, the Chicago fans were louder at times than the Cowboys fans. The Bears said so. 

Wrote Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall on his Twitter account: "Big ups to all the Chicago fans in Dallas. Felt like a home game." 

Wrote Chicago defender Charles Tillman: "Cowboys Stadium felt like Soldier Field with all the Bear fans. Thanks for traveling to Dallas and showing us some love. Bear Down!!!" 

The Cowboys 56% winning percentage at "Jerry World" is considerably worse than the one the Cowboys posted in Texas Stadium, where they won more than 68% of their games. 

Last year, Marcus Spears said the crowd at the Cowboys’ old home was “way louder.”

The problem with JerrahWorld is simple. They have an oversupply of seating capacity, by around 20,000 seats - easily. Cowboy fans are atrociously fickle - everybody knows this.

So for every big Division/Rival game at "home" there's 20,000 EASILY had seats for either visitors, or "native" non-Cowboy fans to come and invade.

Combine this, with a truly 9th Wonder of The World TV Screen (it's fucking incredible, really) that makes the stadium a real "Tourist Attraction."

So with that recipe, you're gonna get crowds that are routinely 20% or more, road fans.

Until the novelty wears off, and then you'll just get empty seats.

Clownsuits For Sale!

The Pittsburgh Steelers looked like helmeted bumblebees Sunday, with an homage to the ol' 1934 Steelers. (Fun Fact: The Steelers that year went 2-10, beating the BOSTON Redskins twice! Oh, the irony!)

Of course, these unis looked utterly stupid.

Unless you think they looked awesome.

Which maybe 15% of Steelers fans did. And you take that 15% of maybe 1 million (guess?) Steeler fans around the world, assume a merchandise buy rate of 50% of those 15% of that 1 million, and take an average NFLShop.com purchase of $29.99... and well... ah fuck it.

MONEY!

The NFL loves its money, and it will stoop to any gutter level to scoop up even more. The NFL is like a rich guy up to his shoulder reaching into a sewer grate for a shiny nickle.

But hey, nobody got hurt by the stunt (except your eyeballs) and if you don't like it, don't buy it. Yeah, Capitalism!

If you want to know more about the flimsy pretense of this shameless cash grab, the boys at UniWatch.com are all over it - as they are with all things uniform and logo in sports.

(They, are the REAL "Man From U.N.C.L.E.")