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Snicky du Jour: Super Bowl Webb

Since the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs-A.J.-McCarron is approaching about 14:30 on her "15 Minutes of Fame Clock", I figured I'd give her one more featured set here. Enjoy. She'll be a "what was her name...." soon.

Poll: Favre Thaw?

survey services

The Night The Lights Went Out In Vegas

Sooo... since we're talking ODD blackouts at sports events these days, let's all go back to one involving a possible bit of point spread shenanigans.

Septmber 5th, 2002.

Wisconsin Badgers at University of Nevada, Las Vegas.

Sam Boyd Stadium.

Thousands of drunken BAEDDDGer fans in town, betting like crazy on their team. Game is an easy cover for Wisky... the the lights go out just 2:41 until the game is "official" in the Vegas books.

We pick up the story, as written by Mark Anderson of the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

Of course, the power outage sparked conspiracy theories, some of which exist today.

Much of the suspicion is due to the heavy betting from the many Badgers fans who made the trip and pushed the spread from between 3 and 4 points to 7 for their favorite team.

When the lights went out, 7:41 remained in the game -- 2:41 away from making it an official result for the sports books. Thus, the Wisconsin fans who put money on their team to cover did not get paid winnings, but were simply refunded whatever they bet.

Major sports books would have lost only between $10,000 and $20,000 on the game, according to a Review-Journal article at the time. Their losses would have been offset largely because Badgers fans also pushed the total from 53 to 58 points.

'It surely wouldn't have gone over the total, and I'm sure there was a lot of parlay action on the total," said Ken White, chief oddsmaker for Las Vegas Sports Consultants.

Local radio co-host and noted sports bettor Dave Cokin said the theories amaze him.

"There's no way to keep a secret anymore," Cokin said. "It's why local politicians go to jail. So if it was some conspiracy with the UNLV-Wisconsin game, I think someone would've blown the whistle and made a lot of money. It's impossible. It's completely illogical and as stupid as someone believing in a curse on the Red Sox.

"There is no grassy knoll involved."

The early report by UNLV Police of a car hitting a transformer that was later discredited probably increased suspicions.

Sam Boyd Stadium manager Jeff Chalfant said an older cable that was part of "the main Nevada Power feed" burned out. That cable, he said, "burned through another."

And suddenly the stadium went dark.

Okay, let's finely tune the bullshit meter here.

1. Would there have been "motive" to pull the plug. Absolutely.

2. Opportunity? Yes, it's Vegas.

3. So what if OVERALL the sports books in Vegas would have only lost a paltry $10-20K? It doesn't mean that PERHAPS a prominent local Vegas "whale" might have had $200,000 on the hometown Rebels. HE would have a huge incentive to make that game "go dark."

And yes, the police report which was wrong, only adds suspicion. "One cable burned through another?" Do we have pictures of that? Was there a fire? What about backup systems?

Power surges, blackouts and failures happen. I get it. But they are quite rare when it comes to the THOUSANDS of major college and pro sporting events around the country, year after year, after year.

And there is also a misconception, that because a stadium has these BRIGHT LIGHTS that it must be a huge energy hog! Well, to some extent yes. But outdoor stadiums that have limited HVAC units, I bet use less juice than a typical mid-size office building or even an ice rink, or Costco.

Once things start adding up to being very, very fishy. Then get your noses out of your ass, and start sniffin.'

Mopping Up the Mantei T'eo Story

So this got lost in the mix for the most part, last week. Be it from story fatigue, the impending Super Bowl, or  perhaps the bullshit hounds losing a strong scent on the trail to figuring it all out.

The hoax mastermind, Roniahah "I've Eaten Through A Lot of My Issues Lately" Tuiasasopo came "clean" to Dr. Phil about how he pulled it all off.

Well, sorta clean.

When asked to "do the voice" that Ronaiah purports to have produced HIMSELF as the voice of Lennay Kukua for MORE THAN THREE YEARS, at first Ronaiah balked.

Then he agreed to do it in "Part 2" of the interview. (Cha-ching, ratings hook!)

Then he only did it behind a "screen" and not on camera.



Whatever.

Voice experts claim the wave form matches. So I guess he's "in the clear" on that front. Sort of. I still think it would be GRUELING to keep that up for so long, and to never once slip out of character. Plus, he's gotta think and talk like a girl - ABOUT EVERYTHING!

I think the story has now settled deep into the silty bottom of "Who the Fuck Exactly Knows Lake" and it will take something unusual to ultimately recover the "full truth."

Mantei will be at the combines this month. There will be more questions. More media coverage. I bet however, he has a good set of defensive, evasive, say nothing-lets-move-on answers ready to go.

Consider me placing this one in the "cold case" file. Not closed, just cold for now.

Snicky du Jour: Katie Couric

Oh Katherine, you naughty devilish 50-something!

Poll: Blackout Blame Game

survey service

"What's Your Deal?"

So I find this incredible to say, but here goes: maybe Pete Carroll was right when he asked Jim Harbaugh: "What's your deal?"

At the time, I dismissed it as sore-ass-loser Pete Carroll, who got humiliated by a conference opponent at home, while sitting as a Top-10 team with a future first round QB.

But then last night, after the Harbowl, Jim and John shake hands. It goes something like this...

John: "I love you."
Jim: "Congratulations...."

Really? REALLY. And look at the awkward, arms-length, do NOT BRO HUG ME MAN BECAUSE WE ARE BROTHERS IN DNA ONLY, handshake and chest pat, cheek pat exchange.

Honestly, Jim. What IS your deal?

Blackout Culprit Found!

This guy!

*I think.....

Catchable

I still don't quite know exactly where I stand on the  most infamous "non-call" in Super Bowl history.

But I know this: do NOT call that ball "un-catchable."

No, no. NO sir. Very, very, catchable. In fact, might have been another PERFECT throw from the kid.

Here are our Top Prime Time Prognosticators’ Predictions:

Mark Benz       SF 23   BAL 17 DaveBertsch     SF 20 BAL 17 Randy Dean SF 22   BAL 30 Scott Heian SF 24   BAL  27 MikeHoffman     SF 14 BAL 24 Daryl Wenzl        SF 24   BAL 17

Czabe’s Super Scoring Criteria: If no one picks the exact score.  The winner will be determined from the following criteria: A. The players who at least picked the right winner, and the player that came closest to the winners score without going over, if there is a tie, B. The next tiebreaker is the player getting closest to the losers score without going over, if we are still tied, C. The final tie breaker is a coin flip. Good Luck Prime Time Prognosticators, but remember just like in Highland... There can be only 1...

King of PrimeTime

The Harbaugh Family Rally Cry!

Corny, yes. But you gotta love it!

Poll: Super Bowl Party Parasites

customer survey

The Glutton
This guy sees your elaborate spread of food and thinks: "I'm going to take this entire thing down!"

The Gambler
The guy who rocks back and forth nervously, only to punctuate the room with loud angry expletives at random moments, likely due to heavy prop bets  or obscure over/unders.

The Armchair GM
This guy doesn't like a single player on the field for either team, and relishes trying to tell you how only he can spot said player's deficiencies.

The Guy Who Knows Just Enough to Be Dangerous
This guy blurts out half-true things that lead to awkward moments where you think about helping to correct him, only to give up because it would be pointless. Example: "I love how the Harbaugh brothers are twins. I think that's so cool."

The Seat Hogger
This guy takes his place in the perfect "A" position at least 1 hour before kickoff, and NEVER moves, fearing any periphery movement as a possible sneak assault on his couch spot.

The Careless Dad
This guy has two kids with him that run roughshod through the host's house, without any corrective parenting from pops. A guy who is likely a combination of all of the above.

Snicky: Nicole Zaloumis

If you don't know her already, get with it people.

The NFL's TV morning show is... eh... I suppose. A few too many taking heads, and none of them particularly compelling, but I appreciate that they are out there trying to offer us something - anything - other than the usual Bristol-fed predictable television gruel.

The front-woman, Ms. Zaloumis, appears a bit too "serious" on the show for my likes. But I understand what she fights in the business as a tendency by viewers to "ditz-i-fy" any good looking woman on a sports show.

So it was nice to see her do some "Dancing With the Guests" this week... and BAM! Are you kidding me? Nicole just isn't skinny, she's a wonderfully muscular hardbody!

You go, girl. Well... done.

"Don't Be No Cloud on a Sunny Day, Mon!"

Hilarious.

And course, for the professionally offended: "horrific."

“It’s pretty horrific,” says Ricki Fairley-Brown, president of the multicultural marketing agency Dove Marketing. “Why do they have a white guy from Minnesota faking a Jamaican accent?” 

Even more troubled by the spot is Rochelle Newman-Carrasco, chief hispanic marketing strategist at Walton Isaacson, an African-American, Gay/Lesbian and Hispanic agency. “What happens in this ad is that the culture becomes a punch line, and that is offensive.” 

Pop cultural guru Barbara Lippert is not amused, either. “It made me uncomfortable to see all of those white people in an office setting doing this,” she says. “I found it offensive.”

They are still booing black soccer players in Europe, for God's sake! And here, we're worried about... this. And the "Rooney Rule."

If this is the state of legitimate conversation in America - the MOST open, free, multi-cultural, multi-racial, multi-religious, and progressive minded country in the world - then we are doomed.

Doomed.

Prepare For Humiliation

This, is the essence of sports. Period. Read the full edict here. I present the abridged version below.

As you can see from the calendar, the game is coming up this weekend. I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as our cities are rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the sports team from my area defeats the sports team from your area.

When the sporting contest begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my team to accumulate more points than yours. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing your area. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the team from your area lack. The players representing my area, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.

Underscoring your team's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether.

One of the more pathetic aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in your immediate area possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the team from my area inspires loyalty and affection in individuals who live in many other geographic locations.

Do you still doubt that the team from your area is inferior to the one from mine? Just look at our teams' respective histories. In the past, we have defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes.

The day of the game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the team from your area, your team will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.

Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.

Winter Treat: The ENTIRE Sunday Final Round of the 2012 Masters (Bubba!)

YouTube continues to amaze.

I had no idea people could upload 5 HOUR LONG videos! And in crisp HIGH DEFINITION!

And this somehow is OKAY with the "Lords of the Rights Fees" known as CBS and the (/insert Southern Gentleman voice + accent: heavy) "Augusta National Golf Club?"

Shhhh. Enjoy. Before somebody takes it down.

"Grit, Spit, and a Whole Lot of ..... Antler Spray??"

So Ray Lewis is a fast healer?

Whattya gonna do? Make a federal case of it?

So what if a triceps tear is relatively rare? So what if a shockingly fast 2 1/2 month recovery to playing speed in MID-SEASON doesn't pass the smell test of an injury that is SUPPOSED to take 4-6 months?

Antler spray. Uh, huh.

Here's what one medical expert had to say about the injury back in October...

A significant force is required to completely tear away the triceps tendon, which typically occurs in a traumatic fall onto the arm or among players in sports such as weight lifting and professional football. In the general population, triceps tears are quite rare, but such factors as steroid injections, anabolic steroid use, underlying medical disease (metabolic disorders) and olecranon bursitis can increase the risk of partial or complete tears.

Hmm... well, now.

But again, "he has never failed a test!"

Just like Lance.

The whole episode reminds me of my favorite scene from Madagascar.

Alex: "Sixty-nine months?!"
Penquins: "Six TO nine months."
Alex: "Where do you pull that number out of?"

The PGA Tour Takes Corporate Idiocy To A Whole New Level

You know the expression: "He could screw up a two-car funeral?"

Meet the geniuses at the PGA Tour.

PGA Tour official Ty Votaw sent an e-mail to reporters on Thursday that said the PGA will "revoke the on-site credentials of all journalists affiliated with outlets that post play-by-play coverage, whether those posts are originating from tournament site or otherwise."

That's right, kids. Stop your damn FREE PROMOTION OF OUR PRODUCT!

/slaps forehead in exasperation

Apparently, the PGA Tour did not like the fact that a certain fan with the Twitter handle @TigerTracker had the audacity to pay for tickets to Tour events with Eldrick in the field, and then meticulously tweet details of every Tiger Woods shot, chip, and putt.

You know, stuff people might actually want to know.

The PGA Tour, no doubt anticipating a future world in which golf fans pay a nickel for every tweet they get about Jeff Overton's 2nd round at the Humana Challenge, is making a heavy play here to tamp down rogue tweeting and (I suppose) re-direct hard core fan interest to their own website, PGATour.com. (Where they may just provide such lush, real time detail of every player from Steven Ames to Y.E. Yang.)

Never mind the fact that the PGA Tour just announced a "landmark" moment by allowing live computer streaming of weekend coverage of Tour events. Like a wayward drive, settling in on a steep cartpath, you know where this thing is heading - toward "All-the-time-and-anywhere" video access to the PGA Tour.

Which is great!

So why clamp down on mere bloggers? Because the Tour is a bunch of overpaid bureaucratic idiots.

A recent analysis of the PGA Tour's non-profit form-990 showed that the top-19 pencil pushers in Ponde Vedra took home a collective $23 million in salary! Hell, 10 of them are annual MILLIONAIRES!

Some stuff from the 2010 form-990 which covered the 2010 calendar and fiscal year...

1 TIMOTHY FINCHEM Commissioner 5,227,497
2 THOMAS WADE Exec VP Marketing 1,846,398
3 CHARLES ZINK Co-Chief Operating Officer 1,689,249
4 EDWARD MOORHOUSE Co-Chief Operating Officer 1,688,920
5 RONALD PRICE Exec VP/Financial 1,334,891
6 HENRY HUGHES Former CEO THE PLAYERS 1,322,958
7 THOMAS PERRY SVP Human Resources 1,313,939
8 DAVID PILLSBURY President GCP & Champ Mgmt 1,009,107
9 SID WILSON Former VP Player Relations 1,002,440
10 TY VOTAW Exec VP Communications 997,575

I don't mean to get all "Occupy Wall Street" here, but you have to admire the structure of a business, errrr... charitable organiztion.... with "Co-COO's" at $1.6M per! (Wait until Moorhouse finds out ol' Zink makes $329 more per year than he does! And his parking spot is one space closer to the office!)

I guess you need two COO's, so one guy can cover when the other is out golfing.

So among the organizations beyond just uber-fans like @TigerTracker who are super pissed off and shaking their heads, are outlets like Golf.com who do a liveblog of Tour events and majors. (Highly enjoyable!)

Look, we get where the Tour is coming from. The official broadcast partners pay big bucks for the rights to live tournament coverage, and the Tour wants to protect this valuable product. 

PGATour.com has Live@ streaming video and Shot Tracker and their own live blogs (see that, more promotion!). The Tour also announced earlier this week that it will be live-streaming its weekend broadcasts on PGATour.com and CBSSports.com, and the executives from the Tour and CBS want people to tune in. But it's unrealistic to think they can force people to only tune in to officially sanctioned options for real-time updates. 

As proud as we are of our coverage, we realize that our live blog is a second screen, a complementary form of coverage that primarily serves to enhance the viewing experience of hardcore fans. Those who want to banter while they watch TV or an online stream may tune into our blog or check Twitter to get updates and see what our writers think, but few choose us exclusively.

Bans almost never work in sports media, and in this day and age, I guarantee this one has #fail written all over it.

But good job, Ty Votaw.

Take the afternoon off. You deserve it.

Poll: "The Harbowl"

customer survey

San Fran's Zone Read: "By The Numbers"

Say what you will about ESPN's Michael Smith, or the value of paying a sharpie artist to painfully draw out pictures like this.

But the season numbers right now on San Fran's Zone Read are pretty eye popping.

Will it last?

Logic says "no". Why? Because currently the play/formation is UN-stoppable.

I just don't believe in permanently UN-stoppable plays in the NFL.

That said... here's the numbers, if you can't sit still for 1:30 of dry erase scribbling.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

"Option" Plays in the NFL (All Teams)
2010 - 49
2011 - 277
2012 - 515

San Fran's YPC on Zone Read
5.8 When handing off to RB
11.8 When Kaepernick keeps it

Play Action Passes of 20+ Yards off Zone Read
54% complete. #1 in NFL

Hits on QB in Zone Read
6 of 55 Called Plays (less than 1 per game)
0 of 41 When he actually hands the ball off

Average Run Before Contact by RB's in Zone Read
5.9 Yard from Line of Scrimmage

Snicky: Taylor Swift

So in case you hadn't heard, somebody asked Michael J. Fox to see if he would approve of Taylor dating his son Sam, 23.

"No. No ... Just back off," Fox said. "I don’t keep up with it all. But Taylor Swift writes songs about everybody she goes out with, right?"

“Right,” they replied.

"What a way to build a career,” Fox said.

The interviewer then asked Fox how he would react if Swift showed up to a Fox family dinner.

"I wouldn’t even know who she was," he said, before agreeing it would dawn on him when the eventual breakup song hit the radio. "'Sam, You Piece of S--t.' Oh … that was the girl you brought home!"

Now that's funny!

Of course, Taylor's screaming legion of teenage fans on twitter me took great offense, and fired back at Fox.  (Aside: MY GOD PEOPLE, DON'T YOU KNOW HE HAS PARKINSONS! IS NOTHING SACRED!)

Now Taylor says Fox has apologized and spoken to her. Boo. You may resume gazing at her increasing hotness. 

She's 23 now, after all.

Jim Harbaugh PWNS The Potus on Merits of Football

So our Dear Leader, the Teleprompter King, opined that he might have mythical reservations about his mythical son playing some level of mythical tackle football, because of course, the sport is so "dangerous."

Enough, already.

It's about damn time more people started to stick up for the virtues of this awesome game - especially down the youth level where simple and important life values such as perseverance are taught - in light of the recent drumbeat of Oprah-cized hand wringing over "safety" and such.

What better spokesman than Jim Harbaugh, who did not flinch when it came to responding to a reporter's query about Our Dear Leader's concerns....

“If President Obama feels that way, then there will be a little less competition for Jack Harbaugh when he gets older,” Harbaugh said, prompting laughter. ”That’s the first thing that jumps into my mind, if other parents are thinking that way.”

Boom, roasted.

So just on a lark, I decided to see if there were any good pics on the intertubes of POTUS throwing a football. Or maybe some file footage.

Um, not really.

The most common pic is the one above. Where he is clearly in a pose, not in actual motion while throwing a football. 

How can you tell?

Notice the eyes, gazing to the heavens. The very place from where he descended.

Nice form, Barry.

Mike Mayock doesn't think much of your downfield awareness or "eye level" when the pocket gets "muddy" but you look good just standing there.

And for those that don't know the term "PWND", well here's your primer.

LeBron's Likability On The Rise?

I don't know about you, but this little feelgood moment from the weekend certainly notched him up in my book.

I also said that simply winning the title, was going to get 'Bron over the hump with the skeptical basketball public.

Is LeBron suddenly a "great guy" or my "favorite player ever?"

Hardly.

But this was not phony enthusiasm. Look at that picture above.

That's simple joy.

Joy in the moment, of a fat guy computer technician, hitting an incredible - and perfect - half court bomb, for 75 large.

It makes sports fun again, amid all the nonsense. And it makes King James just a little bit more like the people's champ.

Poll: New Orleans Pelicans Logo

survey hosting

Snicky: Jennifer Lawrence

The girl is a flat out firecracker. She can really act. And for my eye, she's a less stuck up version of Rene Zellweger - before she got all plumptastic in the awful "Bridget Jones's Diary."

For me, the above pic is her at her best. A makeup-less action-heroine with a bow and arrow. I also dig any chick who braids long brown or black hair into the classic Lara Croft Tomb Raider look.

Here's a few more pics, as she has many different looks to choose from. The only time she fails to impress me at least, is when she's overly "glammed" up for these award shows.

But good for her. She's blowin' up and rightly so. I highly recommend Silver Linings Playbook, even though it's darker than your average ROMCOM flick. Excellent "crazy" from Bradley Cooper, and DeNiro pulled off just enough "sports knowledge" to play a part-time bookie, even though you get the feeling DeNiro doesn't know shit about sports in real life.

Ray Lewis Double Murder 101

Okay, let's get this out of the way now.

Plenty has been forgotten, twisted, exaggerated, or fluffed up since the infamous night of the Cobalt Lounge in 2000 in Atlanta.

I for one, do not think Ray Lewis literally murdered Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar. Star athletes never do any of their own dirty work, much less their bloody dirty work.

That said, the image rehabilitation and Saint-ification of Ray Lewis since that time has been nothing short of the most dishonest, ridiculous, and nauseating episodes in modern sports.

Yet, I have no energy to rail against it, full throat. Nor interest. It's so ludicrous, it's like writing a manifesto on Britney Spears' lack of musical talent.

Whenever it comes to Ray Lewis, my fullest sentiment is approximately a chortle and a sarcastic "well, of course."

That said, here's the best Ray Lewis Murder 101 story I've seen, and people can make their own final judgement on all things "Ray Ray" with this as a guide. You should read the whole thing, but because I am never failing in helping you readers be lazy, here's a few key edited 'graphs to consider.

After racing from the scene, Lewis’ limo didn’t return to his hotel, the Georgian, but instead to the Holiday Inn Express where Sweeting was staying. Lewis then took a cab back to the Georgian. 

It didn’t take long for police to find the limo, shot through with bullet holes, blood in the interior. It sat just a mile from the crime scene, and when cops walked into the lobby, they found Lewis’ driver, Fassett, trembling and chain-smoking. 

Fassett told the police he’d seen Sweeting, Oakley and Lewis all fighting and provided details that only an eyewitness could know. He said he’d heard Oakley boast, “I stabbed mine,” and Sweeting reply, “I stabbed mine, too.” When police got to Lewis’ room, they found blood there, too — but not Lewis, who had fled to his fiancée’s family home. 

A few hours after the murders, at about 6 a.m., Lewis had called Robertson and asked her to go to the Georgian and pack up everything he’d left behind. A jailhouse informant, meanwhile, told cops that Lewis was using one of his sisters to relay messages to Sweeting, telling him not to worry, that Lewis would never betray him. 

Lewis himself felt he had little to worry about. The Ravens were standing firmly behind him. Lewis’ own private investigators beat the cops to just about every witness in the limo; they all got lawyers. His driver, Fassett, became increasingly unsure of what went down that night. 

The trial began on May 15, 2000, and quickly fell apart. The state’s star witness, Fassett, recanted much of what he had told police. He swore he’d never seen Lewis strike anyone. 

By the trial’s second week, Lewis wasn’t even attempting to appear respectful. He sat at the defense table and scrawled his autograph over and over. Finally, on June 4, Lewis’ attorney and the prosecution cut a deal. Lewis would testify against Sweeting and Oakley in exchange for one year’s probation on obstruction of justice. Lewis testified he saw Oakley fighting in the melee and that Sweeting had told Lewis he’d been punching with the same hand that cupped a knife. 

Here, too, the prosecution miscalculated. On June 13, 2000, the jury acquitted both men on charges of murder and assault. They spent just five hours deliberating.

Chalk it up to police incompetence, the force of an NFL team/owner racing to save his "investment" and ultimately, a just outcome.

I think Ray Lewis did exactly - and mostly - what he ultimately plead guilty to: obstruction of justice.

In an awful street fight between his thug friends, and a group of other random thugs.

The NFL should have absolutely suspended him for a considerable amount of time, because obstructing justice in a double murder is a seriously awful act. Minimum 4 games, upwards to a year. Instead, he just paid out money, and returned to the league as a superstar, with virtually no price to be paid as a bankable endorser.

Now, Ray Lewis will retire directly to ESPN - where I think he has a chance to be quite good, if you can compartmentalize all of the above - and also become a special consultant to the NFL.

To which I say, as always... /chortle... "Well, of course."

Poll: Lookin' Fine, Baby, Lookin' FINE!

panel management

"So, That Went Well. Right. Right?"

Um, no Manti.

It did not.

Unless you are running for "Dope of the Century."

If you do not want to be accused of STILL lying about all this, then you are asking us to believe you are a rather callous, dopey, yet Academic All-American at an elite University. That you are someone who is OF the internet generation but apparently more tech-illiterate than the average grandmother.

Like you just stepped off your outrigger canoe and took off your grass skirt to play football.

Come on, brah.






Now on the matter of the "impersonated female voice" that Roniah Tuiasosopo initially executed himself for the entire scam? Well.... not so fast my friend. /pays Lee Corso royalty.

Not only does that voicemail sound like a real chick-chick, you know, like the ones who smell sweet and stuff - but how could any dude pull of actually talking and THINKING like a chick for that long of a period, and for those many hours on the phone without breaking character?

He'd have to be like the epic line by Jack Nicholson in the movie "As Good as It Gets".



Then there's this little ditty for your snickering pleasure... from listener David Staples in Charlotte, NC. It's a riff off OutKast and lead singer Andre 3000, who bears a strong likeness to being RG3's long lost brother.

Purple Jesus on RG3 Comeback: Curb Your Enthusiasm

From one pro football warrior to another, Adrian Peterson is trying to help Robert Griffin III in his comeback, whether RG3 knows it or not.

By saying that anyone who thinks RG3 will match Peterson's amazing comeback from ACL surgery is being totally un-realistic, I think he's sending a subtle "bat signal" to the kid to not do anything stupid in rehab that might further compromise his long term career.

"This is also a matter of genetics," Peterson said. "Look at my dad. And my mom's side, my aunts and uncles, they're all ripped. At 50 years old, they've got six packs and eight packs. 

"My body just heals differently. I know it has a lot to do with rehabilitation and work ethic -- but I really credit my genetics for my recovery as much as anything else."

Freak, indeed! (see below!) But I still wouldn't mind seeing AP's mee-maw and pee-paw. And if they DO have six and eight-packs, I want to know what THEY are on!

Snicky du Jour: Sophie Horn

Wow, that's one hot "golfer", Czabe!

You're darn right it is! And I hear she can even break 80! (maybe).

Look, nice looking tart. However, her golf "resume" is more flimsy than Mantei T'eo's cover story. In fact, I couldn't find any tournament results, only a few vague references to her being a "single digit handicap" and also a "part time golf instructor."

Of course, she's available for corporate outings and photo shoots.

>>>>>>>>>>

Pound the Table

"If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts. If you have the law on your side, pound the law. If you have neither on your side, pound the table."

Yep. Just as I thought.

Bad Lip Reading, NFL Style

Okay, so I finally watched this video, after seeing it in my email inbox about a trillion times, and thinking it was lame. I guess anytime I get SO many "you gotta see this" emails, like many people, I dig my heels in and try to be cool by NOT watching it. Well, guess what?

Not lame.

Worth your your employers time to check it out.

Plus, safe enough for your kids to watch. Bonus!

Now, everybody please stop sending me the...

"NFL QB's On Facebook" and "Hitler Reacts To..." emails.

For the love of God, just, please, stop!

Poll: Frontcourt Upgrade?

survey software

This Would Be Awesome! Let's Go, NFL!

Of course, they are dragging their feet, likely trying to grind down the inventor of this "real life" first down lazer line to just GIVE the billion-dollar league this technology for free.

Here's NFL spokesmonkey Greg Aiello: "“We have not been convinced that it would work for us, but we are open to further discussion after the season.”

Whatever. Get it done, dummies. Then, work on getting a lie detector hooked up to Mike Shanahan.

Thank you.

>>>>>>>>>>>

Duck Dynasty 101

Okay, just so everyone is clear. This show is STAGED AS HELL!

I get it. And sadly, they are starting to really stretch the limits of stupid with each episode.

That said, I love each of the characters in the clan, and don't doubt that there is a genuine kernel of redneck truth underneath all of them.

So if you've never seen it, here's a quick primer.

Poll: NFL's Best Play-By-Play Man

survey service

Snicky: Michelle Beadle

So a funny thing happened when I went out Google Image Searching the spunky Ms. Beadle.

I had a hard time finding really aweome pics of her.

Hmm. That's odd, I thought. Because I KNOW she's HOT. I just know it.

So.... where' the pics? I mean, come on! This is the internet!

Then I realized: Beadle is hot because of WHO she is, and HOW she can hang with the fellas. She's funny. Knows sports. Doesn't take herself too seriously. Tweets pics of her and her girls out drinkin'.

Loves pro wrestling. I mean, hot. Right?

Sadly, the Access Hollywood thing just has her buried, and a little out of her league, so to speak, on pure looks. Get back to sports, Beads. We miss you.