Doomsday Has Been Cancelled. Sorry.

The next time somebody in government comes in front of the TV and tries to sell you a doomsday scenario, please remember the following statement.

Obama Spokesclown Robert Gibbs explained to reporters the astonishing report that 70% of the BP oil spill has vanished from the surface of the gulf already.

Already! And it's NOT EVEN LABOR DAY!

"I think it is fairly safe to say ... that many of the doomsday scenarios that we talked about and repeated a lot have not and will not come to fruition," White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said at a briefing with NOAA's top scientist.

THAT'S RIGHT KIDS! The government and their experts were fucking wrong as rain - again! And this on something simple, like a leaky oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.

(Note: The Mississippi river "spills" as many gallons of water into the Gulf as oil was leaked - EVERY THIRTY SECONDS! The gulf has roughly 643 QUADRILLION gallons of water in it.)

These are the same government Dictocrats that want to phase out the legality of incandescent light bulbs in the name of global warming. Oh wait, scratch "want." They already fucking have done that! And it's one of the first things we need to overturn once the adults get back in charge of government.

They have formulas, see? Magic scientific extrapolations with big numbers and complex jargon, okay? You are stupid, you sports radio guy. Shut up. You too, Mr. bus driver. What the hell do you people know?

Don't apply your common sense here. We've got degrees from big fancy universities.

They are absolutely sure that the earth is warming, and that in - try not to chortle milk through your face on this one - 50 years they will know just how many feet the oceans will rise due to manmade "warming."

They are wise. And smart. And care. And plan to tell you what freedoms you may enjoy, and what ones you may not.

REPEAT THIS FUCKING PHRASE!: "Many of the doomsday scenarios that we talked about and repeated a lot have not and will not come to fruition."

In case you wanted to know the reason why we're not going to run out of Gulf Shrimp because of this spill, here it is.

Much of the reasoning behind the disappearing oil has to do with the natural resilience of the Gulf, which is teeming with microbes that eat oil. On top of that is the natural tendency of oil in seawater to evaporate and dissolve to half its volume in about a week — something even critics acknowledge.

The federal calculations are based on direct measurements for only 18 million gallons of the oil spilled — the stuff burned and skimmed. The other numbers are "educated scientific guesses," said NOAA emergency response senior scientist Bill Lehr, an author of the report. That is because it is impossible to measure oil that is dispersed, he said.

Lesson of the day. The earth is one tough, resilient motherfucker. Of course we're going to treat her gently as possible. But we're not going to be ridiculous about it.

Mankind has built a miraculous and wonderful human paradise here on earth. (Except New Jersey). Its ugly in places, sure. There are scars, dents, and dings. But overall, we should be proud. We have gleaming cities, with technology that tames darkness, temperature extremes, wind, rain, snow, ice, and even insects.

We move freely over great distances, we associate freely. We create things. An alien creature landing on earth, would properly look around and think: "My god, you people MADE ALL OF THIS?"

Yes. Yes we did.

And we still have so many billion square miles of untamed, untouched land it's a joke.

Google Earth it, people.

And we're gonna mop up that remaining oil and wash all the stupid pelicans we can find. And we'll pay people to do it, and pay other people who were impacted.

And I pray to god we keep drilling all over the place for oil, gas, and other shit. Because this is not a big deal, people, no matter how many angry reports Anderson Cooper files in his mud boots on the beach.