Doomsday Has Been Cancelled. Sorry.

The next time somebody in government comes in front of the TV and tries to sell you a doomsday scenario, please remember the following statement.

Obama Spokesclown Robert Gibbs explained to reporters the astonishing report that 70% of the BP oil spill has vanished from the surface of the gulf already.

Already! And it's NOT EVEN LABOR DAY!

"I think it is fairly safe to say ... that many of the doomsday scenarios that we talked about and repeated a lot have not and will not come to fruition," White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said at a briefing with NOAA's top scientist.

THAT'S RIGHT KIDS! The government and their experts were fucking wrong as rain - again! And this on something simple, like a leaky oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.

(Note: The Mississippi river "spills" as many gallons of water into the Gulf as oil was leaked - EVERY THIRTY SECONDS! The gulf has roughly 643 QUADRILLION gallons of water in it.)

These are the same government Dictocrats that want to phase out the legality of incandescent light bulbs in the name of global warming. Oh wait, scratch "want." They already fucking have done that! And it's one of the first things we need to overturn once the adults get back in charge of government.

They have formulas, see? Magic scientific extrapolations with big numbers and complex jargon, okay? You are stupid, you sports radio guy. Shut up. You too, Mr. bus driver. What the hell do you people know?

Don't apply your common sense here. We've got degrees from big fancy universities.

They are absolutely sure that the earth is warming, and that in - try not to chortle milk through your face on this one - 50 years they will know just how many feet the oceans will rise due to manmade "warming."

They are wise. And smart. And care. And plan to tell you what freedoms you may enjoy, and what ones you may not.

REPEAT THIS FUCKING PHRASE!: "Many of the doomsday scenarios that we talked about and repeated a lot have not and will not come to fruition."

In case you wanted to know the reason why we're not going to run out of Gulf Shrimp because of this spill, here it is.

Much of the reasoning behind the disappearing oil has to do with the natural resilience of the Gulf, which is teeming with microbes that eat oil. On top of that is the natural tendency of oil in seawater to evaporate and dissolve to half its volume in about a week — something even critics acknowledge.

The federal calculations are based on direct measurements for only 18 million gallons of the oil spilled — the stuff burned and skimmed. The other numbers are "educated scientific guesses," said NOAA emergency response senior scientist Bill Lehr, an author of the report. That is because it is impossible to measure oil that is dispersed, he said.

Lesson of the day. The earth is one tough, resilient motherfucker. Of course we're going to treat her gently as possible. But we're not going to be ridiculous about it.

Mankind has built a miraculous and wonderful human paradise here on earth. (Except New Jersey). Its ugly in places, sure. There are scars, dents, and dings. But overall, we should be proud. We have gleaming cities, with technology that tames darkness, temperature extremes, wind, rain, snow, ice, and even insects.

We move freely over great distances, we associate freely. We create things. An alien creature landing on earth, would properly look around and think: "My god, you people MADE ALL OF THIS?"

Yes. Yes we did.

And we still have so many billion square miles of untamed, untouched land it's a joke.

Google Earth it, people.

And we're gonna mop up that remaining oil and wash all the stupid pelicans we can find. And we'll pay people to do it, and pay other people who were impacted.

And I pray to god we keep drilling all over the place for oil, gas, and other shit. Because this is not a big deal, people, no matter how many angry reports Anderson Cooper files in his mud boots on the beach.

Infinite Monkey Theorem

There's a saying that goes: "If you give enough monkeys typewriters, they'll eventually knock out Shakespeare."

Wikipedia has a very entertaining - although at times, dense - statistical explaination of the so-called "Infinite Monkey Theorem."

With that in mind, I present to you, video footage of what some young Alabama punks are calling "The Longest Basketball Shot In History."



I do admit that the visceral image of seeing a ball hurled that far, hitting home for a DAGGER! swish, is quite satisfying. But given the sheer number of shots required, it loses quite a bit of its "wow" factor.

Given that a decent athlete can throw a ball from a perch like this, to within a 20 foot radius of the basket on a consistent basis, then you are pretty much reduced to just a game of numbers.

Enough hurls, and eventually you'll hit jackpot.

Whooopie.

This is not unlike other college kids practicing chip shots, or ping pong ball shots into beer cups, all over their disgusting dorm rooms in front of a camera until they can hit one and edit the tape and upload to YouTube.

So while this shot is "impressive" to watch, the accomplishment is utterly un-impressive.

If the guy walked up the stairs after fetching every shot, I'd be impressed.

If he sized up the shot, and hit it as one of two free throws, I'd be impressed.

You could drop a nickel into a shotglass from a helicopter with enough time, nickles, and helicopter fuel.

As for the monkeys and Shakespeare? Well, here's what Wikipedia says about that.

Even if the observable universe were filled with monkeys typing for all time, their total probability to produce a single instance of Hamlet would still be less than one in 10 to the power of 183,800. As Kittel and Kroemer put it, "The probability of Hamlet is therefore zero in any operational sense of an event…"

So there. But imagine the poo flinging in a room full of monkeys on typewriters getting frustrated over spelling Shakespearean english!

Picking on the Fat Kid

So how much longer is Mike Shanahan going to keep waiting for Albert Haynesworth to run 300 yards in under 71 seconds?

The comical daily reports of how slow Fat Al is, will quickly become tired. At some point, I think we need to concede Constanza’s Bluff and turn around before we reach the Hamptons and realize there is no “Prickly Pete” or “Snoopy.”

But let it be forever noted, that one of the most expensive football purchases ever made by our intrepid Beltbuckle Kid of an owner, couldn’t pass his conditioning test because he had to go potty.

Move over, Gus Frerotte and your concrete headbutt. Scoot down Michael Westbrook and your beatdown of Stephen Davis. Sorry, Jeff George and your “leadership is over-rated” quote.

We have a new all-timer in the clubhouse of ridiculous.

For those that don’t know the details of NFL “conditioning tests” it goes something like this.

Most teams use a 300 yard drill, where you sprint 25 yards and back, a total of 6 times. You then take a rest of 3.5 minutes, and do it again. Your benchmark time to beat depends on your position. For linemen like Al, it is 71 seconds on the first run, 73 on the second.

This is not hard.

For comparison sake, the - husky but long-since-retired from his D1 basketball stint at Tufts University - Dave Feldman, of Fox 5 here in DC, did the test on his first try Monday. Scored in the 60’s. Said he was huffin’. But passed. So did various other media members here in town.

One try.

He’s not in the NFL, and not making $40 million in guaranteed money.

So Haynesworth tries the first run, and barely breaks 71. Then he says he has to go to the bathroom. Some 10.5 minutes later, he comes back, and asks if he can now just do the second rep.

Shanahan: Nope.

He starts over, and fails miserably, walking the second leg of it.
He tries again on Friday, fails. Decides to “rest” his legs (and sore knee, what a shock, eh?) on Saturday and Sunday. Tries again on Monday.

Fail.

This clown is a classic. “Can I go to the bathroom.”

This is the equivalent of saying: “The dog ate my conditioning test.”

So here we are, and there’s no telling when – if ever – Haynesworthless will pass. My gut instinct is that the Redskins are setting up a PUP-list type move, where they can then claim contract negligence and claw back some bonus in front of a sympathetic arbitrator.

Or, Shanahan – noted for being one grudge-holding-m-fer – might just let him fester until the day after final cuts, and then turn him loose, with few teams willing to jump into that hot mess just before they push off from shore on the NFL season.

Or, as my radio colleague Andy Pollin speculated: this too, is actually “marketing” by the team that never stops pumping the product. Marketing in that fans really WANT to punish Big Al, and they want to know that a no-bullshit sherriff is really, firmly, utterly in charge.

Hey, I’ve heard worse theories.

Because to me, this is a huge – albeit spectacularly funny – waste of time. Think about it. You have a player who is hated in the locker-room, ridiculed by fans, grossly out of shape, with a horseshit attitude, and is now way behind in learning the new scheme.

You gonna trust him on a big 3rd and 7 against the Dallas Cowboys on the road?

He’ll take two half-assed steps into a gap, lose his balance, fall down, and allow Marion Barber to go 74 yards up the middle for a TD.

No thanks. Let’s cut the strings to this parade float, and pretend it never, ever, ever happened.

Or, maybe there’s a fairy tale finish somewhere here, where Al passes the test, and works his way back into the starting lineup playing the hated 3-4 scheme. Team-mates accept him back, fans begrudgingly do as well, and it’s all just one big silly summer misunderstanding.

Sure.