Greetings from vacation, oh ye Czabe readers! I am coming to you from an undisclosed location in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, where this is possibly the worst place ever to spend a week on a beach vacation.
I mean, the worst. Nah, nothing to see here, folks, run along. Awful beaches. Terrible. Crowded. Yuck. Steer clear. Wouldn't recommend it.
Ahem. Now, where was I?
Oh yeah, the Kingsford Company. These assholes should be hauled before Congress, and promptly frog-marched in handcuffs and leg irons into jail for false advertising, and complete bullshittery.
"Match Light" charcoal.
Fucking, sure.
Because our rented beach house has both a propane powered gas grill (works perfectly, and quickly, and cleanly) and a big old clunky black charcoal pedestal grill (not so much) I decided to go "old school" tonite in honor of my radio partner Andy Pollin.
Andy, as many of you listeners know, has loudly espoused the virtues of true charcoal grilling. Claims you can taste the difference in the meat. Says it's not that big of a deal, vs. a gas grill. Just a little extra work.
Whatever.
I say, "you want flavor? I got 50 bottles of flavor at the grocery store."
Somebody probably even sells a spray or marinade that specifically mimics the charcoal "flavor".
Without the hassle.
But since I had some time, I said what the hell, let's get nuts. Lets do the charcoal. Which is when it dawned on me, that grilling with charcoal is not unlike writing letters with a hand-dipped ink pen.
If that's the only pen I had, I suppose I could make do. But if you had a Papermate GelWriter sitting right next to it, I'm not going to grab the Mont Blanc Meisterstück 149 fountain pen (invented: 1924).
I'm gonna grab the Papermate GelWriter and get on with it.
But charcoal grillers are showoffs and braggarts who are the same type of people who insist formal letter writing can only be done with a fountain pen, and that the quality of strokes is unique and exquisite, and blah, blah, blah.. fuck you.
Mind you, charcoal has it's place. Wherever you can't physically bring a can of propane and a proper grill, charcoal will have to do. So tailgates, camping, and so on, you are excused from this rant.
I have one simple message for everybody out there who has the stupid, idiotic, notion that grilling some meat with good ol' fashioned charcoal briquettes would be a good idea.
It is not.
And the Kingsford Company can go shove their ... ahem... "Match Light"... briquettes up their asses and squeeze until they start crapping out diamonds.
The package has simple easy instructions.
I call them: lies.
Step 1: Put briquettes in a pyramid.
Step 2: Light with match, in several places.
Step 3: After 10 minutes, spread coals and cook.
Ready in 10 minutes? My.... fucking.... ass!
The package did not say anything about windy conditions. When it should have said: "Oh, are you anywhere near the ocean? If so, get bent. These won't light even if you have a welders torch."
I suppose their fancy "match light" charcoal manages to light in perfect, laboratory conditions. And I suppose it is "ready" in 10 minutes to perhaps, melt marshmallows for smores.
But to actually cook meat? Child, please.
So after using a beach umbrella to shield the wind, and after using newspapers to burn under the supposedly match ignitable chemical cooking rocks, and after maybe 45 minutes.... I had enough heat to perhaps put a few cooking stripes on an Oscar Meyer weiner.
Luckily, I had the gas grill to my right, and fired that sucker up, got the chicken and brats done, and let the half bag of Kingsford die a slow death.
You know why "match light" charcoal is a fraud?
Because they still sell lighter fluid.
I know, I saw it in the same grocery store aisle where I bought the Kingsford. Well, isn't that odd, I thought? If this charcoal just JUMPS TO FLAME with the mere touch of a match, then why the hell would they still stock and sell lighter fluid capable of flash-singeing your eyebrows?
I looked online at a grilling supply website. And guess what? They still sell those giant metal coffee mugs designed to get coals burning quickly.
Well, lah dee dah, Kingsford. I would have guessed that you would have buried every other charcoal company by now, with your fancypants "match light" charcoal. How come that hasn't happened?
Because Kingsford hasn't put every other charcoal company out of fucking business by now.
Because they are lying fuckers.
Gas grill + marinades + spices = go fuck yourself Kingsford.
End of rant.
As you were, soldiers.
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